Nick Fury vs Spiderman
by footshooter
Summary: Nick goes to recruit Peter for the Avengers after Spiderman 2. It doesn't quite go to plan when the Avengers start to troll. Pure nonsense. This is basically just what I want to be in the credits of Spiderman. It'd be my ideal ending. Even though it won't be. I haven't seen it yet (tomorrow), so there are no spoilers. There's some swearing, but that's about it. Features everyone.


Peter was looking forward to heading home, taking off his suit and putting his feet up when an ominously large, black SUV rolled up beside him and stopped. The door opened, and a harassed looking man with an eyepatch got out of it, slammed the door, folded his arms and stared Peter down. Eventually, he frowned, sighed and spat out,

"What the hell is going on here son?"

Peter was taken aback by the question, and couldn't stop staring at the scars around the man's eyepatch.

"Ah. Why are you asking me? Everyone I know keeps showing up turned into monsters and I have to stop them rampaging through the city, pillaging, setting things on fire, and causing murder. And what thanks do I get? Vilified by the press, hunted by the police, nagged by my aunt, regularly dumped by my girlfriend."

Peter realised he'd already said too much, and resisted the urge to throw his hand over his mouth to stop himself from saying more and completely revealing his identity like a douche. Instead, he folded his arms.

"Who are you, anyway?"  
"Who am I? Who are you?"  
"Do you not _watch_ the news? I'm Spiderman."  
"I know who you are."  
"Then why did you ask?"

Nick Fury sighed, and glared at the boy again. He should've made Rogers come on this escapade. Saved himself the hassle.

"Look here, I need to talk to you about this whole thing."  
"I'm telling you, it isn't my fault. I just _know_ these people before they turn into psychos. Oh. Jesus. What if it is me? What if I'm excreting radiation in my sweat? What if I'm causing this through passive radioactive spider venom? Oh shit. I need some of that deodorant that stops me from sweating."

Fury frowned at the kid some more.

"You really think that? Because we've been tracking you a while and we're picking up no radioactive sweat. And believe me, if it was there, we'd pick it up."  
"Who are you, the CIA?"

Fury laughed.

"CIA? Those morons? Like hell. Come with me, we got some talking to do."

Fury walked a couple steps back, but stopped when he realised that the kid wasn't following him. He was looking at him suspiciously, arms folded.

"Dude, what happened to your eye?"  
"That is a long story and you ain't getting to know it. Now come with me."  
"Why should I?"  
"Because I work with your kind all the time."  
"What? People who've been bitten by GM spiders?"  
"No, not that specific. You're the first. But we have a gamma monster and a super-soldier. And a rip-off supersoldier. And a god. And… a jerk."

Peter frowned, but Fury couldn't see it under his hood.

"What? You never heard of the-"

Fury's phone rang and he looked at the caller ID to see Rogers name come up. He sighed.

"Excuse me for a second," he hit answer. "Rogers, what? What? You can't be that confused by the locks again, I'm telling you, if I've shown you once I've shown you a god-damn hundred times! No I can't come back, I'm in the middle of something. What? Stop talking old fashioned, Rogers, I know you're more intelligent than you let on. That serum enhanced your brain as well, I know that. Rogers, call Stark or Romanoff for Christ's sake why does this keep happening to you?!"

…

Steve was sat in his office, surrounded by Natasha, Tony, Clint, Thor and Bruce who were all muffling their giggles as Steve, once again, pretended to be locked out his office. When Fury started shouting on speakerphone, they all burst into hysterics, not being able to hold it in anymore.

…

"What the – _are they all there in that room with you_? Rogers, did they set you up to this? I swear to god, when I get hold of you I'm gonna, ugh!"

Fury threw the phone down.

…

Steve held out his palm.

"You owe me twenty bucks, Stark."

Tony groaned, and opened his wallet.

…

"I dunno why these superheroes are all asshats but I'm telling ya kid, they _all_ are. Are you an asshat too?"

Peter frowned at him again.

"Y'know what, my aunt told me never to get into cars with strange men."  
"What? I'm not strange! I work for S.H.I.E.L.D! I'm in charge of the whole thing! I'm here to keep tabs on your superhero business!"  
"Yeah, I don't wanna get touched up by some guy in a car today."  
"I swear I will get Captain America down here on your ass!"  
"I don't think you know Captain America, but if you do, I don't want him in my ass either. Sorry dude."

…

Fury had yet to hang up the call, he'd just muted them, and so the Avengers could hear the entire thing. Once the second round of hysterical laugher had died down, Steve looked over at Tony.

"Tony, go help catch the spider-boy."

Natasha giggled.

"Take a big glass."

Clint snorted.

"Maybe a giant slipper."

Steve rolled his eyes, and Tony grimaced.

"Why do I have to go?"  
"Because you can fly."  
"Thor can fly."  
"You're better known."

Thor pouted like a puppy.

"Go on Tony, he'll think you're the coolest person ever, I bet."

Tony thought about it for a couple seconds.

"Alright, fine."

…

Fury was still arguing with Peter about him coming back to HQ when Tony showed up in the sky, dancing around in the dark like a glowing metal firework.

"Oh my god, is that Iron Man?"  
"It actually takes one of them showing up for you to pay attention to me? Stark, why are you even here?"  
"You forgot to hang up the call."  
"What?"  
"Yeah, we heard the whole thing. I came here in case of inappropriate touching."

A car pulled up behind them, and Steve and Natasha got out the front seats, while Bruce and Clint climbed out the back.

"It was in case of accusations of inappropriate touching, Tony. Nick wasn't actually going to do it."  
"Same difference."

Peter was gawking, glad they couldn't see his face.

"You guys are the actual Avengers."  
"Are you actually gonna come with me now?"

Peter ran up to Steve, grabbing his hand and shaking it.

"It's a total honour to meet you. And oh my god, Bruce Banner, your work… I've read your papers. I've read over your stuff too, Mr Stark. You are incredible. And, I'm sorry Miss Romanoff, I didn't mean to ignore you just, wow, you're as awesome as you looked on TV. I honestly, I saw you on those conferences and I was like, go girl, kick their asses, you know what these guys need. And Mr Barton, I've seen how you shoot, and I really admire the shots you can pull off with an arrow man, most people couldn't do that with a gun."

Steve and the others were smirking at him.

"It's nice to meet you too, son. We've been keeping up with your work-"  
"Yeah, you took out most of New York, it's impressive. We caused only like, slightly more damage, and that was with six of us and an alien invasion. It's honestly, we're impressed."  
"Tony. You did a great job, kid."

Nick was glaring at them all.

"Uh-oh, something's got Fury furious," Tony said.  
"Are you all forgetting that I'm taking him back to HQ?"  
"Not forgetting, helping."  
"Stark, shut the hell up. Where the hell is Thor? You didn't leave him in my nice, new, shiny building did ya?"

Everyone frowned at each other.

"Uh, no. He couldn't fit in the car so he was hammering his way over to us," Clint said. "He should've been here before us, by all rights."

There was a loud bang behind them, and a shower of rubble. Fury's eye twitched.

"More expenses. Alright. Who volunteers to go and get him, coz if I get my hands on him first I'll put a hole in his face the same size as the one he just put in the pavement."

Everyone looked at each other, silently agreeing to go together. They got back into the car, Tony being sat-nav up ahead, and Peter followed them to the door.

"Hey, can I come with you guys?"  
"Sure. Fury, we'll meet you back at base."

They pulled away before he had time to reply. Once they were out of sight, he kicked the tyre of the car in a rage.

"Damn it, Avengers!"


End file.
